Why being “more resilient” didn’t help my burnout in perimenopause

In the months before my burnout, the one thing I kept focussing on was being more resilient. I read about it, listened to podcasts and kept telling myself I needed to cope better. Be stronger. I just needed to push through like I always had done.

And when I couldn’t, the guilt and self blame set in. And then it spiralled downwards from there.

On paper, nothing had really changed. My life looked the same- GP clinics, school run, meals, food shops etc. The demands looked the same. So why did everything feel so much harder?

The moment things started to make sense

Looking back now, I can see I wasn’t asking myself the right question. Instead of “why am I not resilient enough?” I should have explored “what has changed in my capacity to cope?”

Now I want to make clear that burnout can happen to anyone, at any stage of life. But burnout in perimenopause is different – the biological back drop is different.

What’s actually happening in perimenopause

As hormone levels fluctuate, mainly oestrogen, the brain’s ability to buffer stress is altered. What I have seen both personally and clinically is this : our threshold for stress is lowered, multitasking becomes more difficult, emotional regulation feels less steady and recovery can take longer. It’s not that resilience (our ability to bounce back and recover) has disappeared. But rather, that our capacity to absorb stress has changed.

Capacity vs resilience and why this matters

One way to think about it is this: capacity is how much stress your system can hold, whereas resilience is the ability bounce back, in other words the ability to adapt, respond and recover. The two are different, but connected.

And this is where women can become stuck. Because we are told to be more resilient. To cope better. To push through. But the problem with this is that resilience alone is not enough when your capacity has changed. 

You can be doing all the ‘right’ things and still feel like you’re not coping simply because your system has less buffer or has a lower threshold than it used to.

Why trying harder can backfire

For me, the more I focussed on being resilient, the worse I felt. Underneath there was an unspoken belief: “if I’m struggling then it means that I’m not trying hard enough.”

And so along came the self blame and the guilt together with the loss of boundaries as I pushed myself harder. I know you get what I am saying. I’m sure you have felt the same too.

But as soon as you understand that your capacity has shifted, the threshold has lowered, then something changes. You stop asking “what is wrong with me?” and start asking “ what does my body need now?”

The reframe that changed everything for me

The biggest shift wasn’t becoming tougher. It was recognising that I needed to respond differently. Because when your buffering capacity is reduced, the goal isn’t to keep pouring more in and hope for the best, that you can handle it.

It’s to reduce the load where you can, support your system more intentionally and protect your energy more carefully. In other words: trying to build resilience without recognising reduced capacity is the problem.

What supporting your capacity actually looks like

This is where I think the conversation often gets misunderstood. Because the strategies themselves aren’t new. Things like rest, sleep, nutrition, nervous system support, boundaries and self-compassion. These are often talked about as ‘nice to have’ wellbeing habits. But in perimenopause, they become something else entirely.

They become non-negotiable forms of protection.

This is not because you’re weaker, or broken or failing. (Something that took me a long time to work out.)

But because your system is working with a different buffer/threshold.

A different way of thinking about recovery

What helped me wasn’t adding more. It was changing how I held what was already there.

Being kinder to myself. Letting go of the constant internal pressure. Putting support in place instead of expecting myself to just cope.

And slowly, something shifted. Not overnight. And most definitely not perfectly- and really it is still an ongoing piece of work.

But things have changed enough to feel like I am coming back to myself.

If you’re feeling this too

If you feel like you’re not coping the way you used to… If things that once felt manageable now feel overwhelming… It’s very easy to assume that you are failing. 

But what if that is not the full picture?

What if your capacity has changed, and your body is asking for a different kind of support? Because sometimes the answer isn’t more resilience. It’s a different response.

And from there, resilience has space to rebuild.

If this feels like it resonates, I’ love to hear your experience. It’s a conversation we need to be having more openly.